Why Do We Mistake Unhealed Trauma for Strength?

Let’s talk about something a bit uncomfortable but true.

You know those moments when someone says, “Ah, you’re so strong, you don’t need anybody,” or “You’re too wise, you don’t let anyone close to your heart”? And somehow, we’ve turned these traits into badges of honor.

Well, maybe it's time to admit: they might actually be toxic traits in disguise.

“I Don’t Need Anyone” – The Overly Independent Boss Babe

Let’s start with the “I don’t need anyone, I got me” mentality. We’ve all seen it, and some of us are living it. It sounds empowering, right? It makes you feel self-confident, but let’s look at it from another angle.

How did we get here? Did we wake up one day and decide to be lone wolves? Nahhh. For most people, this “strength” comes from years of disappointment. Maybe too many people let you down, so you built a wall higher than Third Mainland Bridge, closed yourself off, and told yourself you don’t need anyone. Now, it’s your anthem.

But here’s the thing: humans are not meant to be islands. One way or another, you’ll need someone, but we’re out here acting like we can carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.

And then there’s the issue of trust. We say things like “I don’t trust anyone” as if it’s something to be proud of. But not trusting people can leave you isolated, and when you find yourself in need, there’s no one to turn to. Then what happens? You start blaming others for not being there, forgetting that you’re the one who kept pushing them away.

It’s not strength, it's survival. It’s one thing to be self-sufficient, but it’s another to be so closed off that nobody can get through to you. At the end of the day, you’re just alone and exhausted.

“I Don’t Catch Feelings” – The Emotionally Detached Vibe

Now, this one feels like a competition nowadays—who can care the least? “I don’t catch feelings,” “no strings attached,” “I’m just here for vibes.” But is that really what’s going on? Or are we just afraid of being vulnerable?

Emotional detachment is celebrated as some form of strength, but in reality, most times, it comes from a place of fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of looking weak, or just fear of rejection. So, we pretend like we don’t care, brush off emotions like they’re nothing, and somehow this is seen as “being wise or being strong.”

My people, tell me how it is wisdom to keep everything bottled up? No be who dey chop belle full go dey catch feelings?

Emotional detachment doesn’t protect you; it isolates you. And when you’re all alone with those feelings... trust me, you’ll regret it someday.

“I Don’t Take Nonsense” – The Anger as Strength Mindset

This one, ehn, a lot of us are guilty. You know that sharp mouth, quick-to-get-angry vibe, where you always have a clapback ready and don’t take “nonsense” from anybody? Some of us even see this as strength, like, “Nobody can try me; I’ll put them in their place.”

But wait, does not taking nonsense mean you have to be aggressive all the time?

Truth be told, sometimes it’s just unhealed trauma manifesting as anger. You were probably disrespected in the past or taken for granted, and now, every little thing pisses you off. So, instead of having calm conversations to settle arguments, we’re out here barking like street dogs.

Yes, speak up for yourself. No one is saying you should take rubbish, but always being on the edge and ready for battle isn’t strength. It’s exhausting.

Maybe instead of snapping at everyone, we should try figuring out why we’re always ready to fight.

So, Why Do We Celebrate These Traits?

It’s simple. Society makes us believe that being “strong” means not relying on anyone, never showing emotions, and being tough all the time.

But true strength is in balance. It’s in being independent but also knowing when to ask for help. It’s in allowing yourself to feel emotions without being ashamed, and it’s in standing up for yourself without acting unruly.

At the end of the day, unhealed trauma is not something we should turn into an achievement.

Let’s stop celebrating toxic traits and start working on healing because as much as we like to act tough, we all need support, we all catch feelings, and we all deserve to be vulnerable.

So let’s stop deceiving ourselves, abeg. Na only one life we get, and it's better to live it fully than pretend to be tough for society.

Do you think society puts too much pressure on us to appear “strong” in ways that actually have consequences? Let us know what you think in the comments.

See you next time!
Ama 🤍